Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
