Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
