Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
