Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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