Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
