I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
