Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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