I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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