she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
