I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
