i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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