Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
