my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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