Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Just high enough for therapy.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
