I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
