she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
