I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
