eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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