i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
