I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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