mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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