I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
