How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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