I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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