I want to stick my p in your. b.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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