sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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