I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
