I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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