Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Let's paint friendship bongs
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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