If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
