Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
