i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
