wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
