omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
