Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
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