I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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