your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
