wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
