he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
