I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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