She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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