Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
