I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
