Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
