She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
