i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
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You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
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Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at