I'm lost and stupid without you.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.