You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
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I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
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you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.