I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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