I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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