My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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