I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
