Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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