i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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